when i was a girl,
was i ever a girl?
i wasn't a boy
i was a voyeur,
an observer, and a notetaker.
how did i participate,
if i ever did?
maybe this is the ball in my chest,
the anger center
that keeps me ever-destabilized.
it's the ghost of never knowing
what to do with your hands.
maybe i'm trying to trace
something that has no outline.
it's almost the end of december. boy, it's been a scramble all month. life is hard and so am i. except i've felt like a freshly neutered dog, sexless but enthusiastic. love and partnership is what i want, but i'm in no place to let that energy disrupt my life, so i am consciously keeping things clean. not ready for the thing i crave the most. this is progress?
it's already december. days go by so fast, but each one is fulfilling when i breath it in.
all i want is to make music with my friends and guess what? i do that all the time. how nice & cool. i really am grateful.
hi hello, it's tuesday and it's amazing what your body feels like when ya get plenty of sleep, smoke some weed, n go for a walk! this morning's rain collects in droplets on windows and tree branches, and i'm waiting for the cashier to call my name to announce my blt is ready.
i will desperately miss this. living in shorewood, i mean. there's no reason not to move back here in the future. as long as i plan for it, i can do it!
a revolution is a circle - point a is point b, round and round. how do you know where a circle ends and where it begins? does it matter? if you end up where you started after years and years of spinning, does the distance you covered even count? maybe you've been circling the drain, eating your own tail. and maybe it won't end til it's over. but have you considered the potential of a well-oiled wheel and where, once set into motion, it can can go?
sitting at a picnic table in sheridan park, trying to work around the whipping wind. i am an hour early to my live sound gig. mustard plug is headlining with something to do and los mescales. it's my first show by myself at this venue.
it's pretty cold out today so i'm not sure how long i can sit here. lake fx, man. i'm really nervous to do sound. i need to get over it. or move through it, rather. i know what i'm doing and i'm pretty good at it. i just have to shake off the dust and get my hands dirty. that's punk rock baby - just GO.
got my bridle on real tight though, it's time to loosen up and remember JOY and why i love this shit to begin with. i'll figure out what i gotta figure out. step out of the shadows of fear and into the light of shit i have worked HARD on.
release the fear, which protects from shame and disappointment. let go and grin, it's okay. imperfection is inevitable, but so is my earnest reliability. i have earned the faith and trust placed in me. also... it's not that serious, even when it is.
i think i finally have a job that i like and am good at! and i'm closer to... wait... i'm not "close" to living the life i want to live... i AM living it.
now that i'm not totally fucking miserable, i'm excited to air out my exasperated and tired brain and learn who the fuck i am.
something i want to consciously implement in my life is a PLEASURE PRACTICE. to harness the erotic in a way that emboldens my personal power. i think i'll start by taking some selfies and maybe giving myself an orgasm.
reading "pleasure activism" is helping me reframe much of the residual toxicity that still manifests in me like dirt beneath my fingernails in the ways i move through the world and try to experience sex/pleasure. like, just the bare concept of HAVING a pleasure practice at all isn't something i even considered an option before reading.
this probably isn't the exact quote, but...""
"the role of the artist is to make revolution seem irresistable."
that speaks to me so deeply. how can i implement that sentiment in both my artistic practice and my practice of pleasure? furthermore, what does my current pleasure practice even include? i fear that i've just been filling in holes and not really engaging in much pleasure at all in my pursuits thus far.
lately, i've been having dreams that feature very specific animals. last night, dreamt that a black mamba snake was loose in my house and i was crying to my very ambivalent mother about it. nobody else thought it was a problem worth solving.
a few weeks ago, i dreamt that a lynx escaped the zoo and wandered the halls of a massive seaside estate (that was my home in this dream, and i've dreamt of this place before, too.)
how do i practice devotion? how do i worship at my own altar?
maybe pouring my mind/body/soul
into distraction, regardless how soothing
doesn't help me.
maybe it pacifies me for a momement,
settles my stomach and lets me find rest for a moment.
but the comfort i surmise from the spell distracts me
and worse, it EXTRACTS me from what i need to feel
where i need to go
what i need to do.
maybe it's time to buckle down and
redirect my devotion.
because my devotion is extremely powerful,
it can scare off potential objects of affection
and it does tend to objectify
scares others off and leaves me so drained.
so instead, i will devote myself to My Self
and i will care for My Self with the breadth and depth
i usually deny myself and reserve for the most special others.
if i break the spell and worship at my own altar,
there's no predicting the potentialof my devotion.
happy halloween. it's snowing just like in 2019. i'm feeling a lot today and i just got out of bed. i don't think things with kj are gonna work out much longer. her arrogance bothers me and i'm tired of feeling like just one of the competitors in the cage match to win her attention. i don't like demanding the basics from someone i like, and i feel like i am doing that.
I'm gonna pull one tarot card & think/write about it...
tarot card: six of cups reversed
overindulgence in nostalgia, inability to move on, being stuck. be present, the golden years are now.
i am frequently guilty of holding on tightly to that which i need to set down. my life is heavy because i bear the brunt of everything i can bear to remember, every single day.
let go, let go. the dull pain won't sooth you anymore. it's okay, you learned to cling to the pain so young, and it kept you alive - so it's served its purpose. but when something has served its purpose, that's when it's time to unclench, unfurl, and watch it float away down the river.
i'm catching myself plotting my escape. not from living, but from living here in wisconsin. because i feel in love with MKE at the same time i always imagined i'd stretch my wings and flutter elsewhere. it's time to embrace the concept that i might not stick around here forever.
First Card: Ace of Swords
i think i am way too nice. i cut so much slack that i ran out of twine years ago. no wonder why i am constantly unspooled. coldness and cruelty can be a counter attack. it can protect. i can be mean, but i am rarely curt. i learned to communicate by reading charles dickens - i ELABORATE. what if i didn't? what if i operated under the assumption that those who WANT to understand me will make the effort to, and those who don't - it doesn't matter how many words i sling their way. they simply WON'T.
Second Card: The Devil
serving myself last hasn't served me well. maybe observing and serving isn't my core. maybe i get to eat the fruit i bear. or let the fruits' sweet juice burst all over me in a hedonistic feasting of pleasure. i do, i want to writhe and untether my jaw and feel so deeply. lust & indulgence, wholly unrestrained.
Third Card: Ten of Pentacles
i am used to denial and deprivation. abundance is a new concept for me, but i will embrace it. wealth isn't just money - it's a richness of resources on all fronts. this autumn, we feast. the blood and fat will ooze from full mouths and onto fine linens. i will roll in it and let myself be feasted upon, too. there will be dancing and fucking and getting hands dirty. maybe we'll sully our souls with forbidden nectar. it will be hot and we will get full up before the winter hibernation.
tomorrow is halloween, which is on a tuesday this year. i used to hate tuesdays (it's like a monday without the adrenaline) but now that i do my laundry at lauren's on tues nights it's not so bad.
big picture, i've both gone through and accomplished a lot this past year. maybe that's just what living is. maybe i'm getting sad again. maybe this is my chance to engage in new patterns. i'm less tired today.
my intentions for this new notebook are to practice my creativity, have a place to pour my soul when i turn inward, and to document the good, the bad & the ugly.
i have a lil headache but i'm sipping some tea and tomorrow is a new day!
Some text about me in culpa qui officia deserunt mollit anim..
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